Whenever I’m in Manila, one of the commonly asked questions is when I’ll fly out. Normally, it’s explicitly versed as “kailan ka babalik ng Singapore?” or “when are you going back to Singapore?” but when it’s phrased as “uuwi ka na?” or “are you going home?” I have to pause and ask the all important clarifier – where?
You see, in my 3+ years of living in Singapore, I have also built a life here. 3+ years is a long time to have no commitments whatsoever in another land. I have a contracted mobile phone plan and I also come home to my rented room (which I recently added a fluffy white cloud into). My dad’s friend, a local Singaporean, was even surprised that I’ve been to most of the places he showed us on a drive around central Singapore. On that said drive, my dad asked if there was also Uber in Singapore, and being the happy Uber customer that I am (use my code: gr6hc), I proudly said that, “yes, we have Uber here!” to which my dad’s friend commented on my use of the term “we“. It then hit me, that yes, I may have carved myself a small home in the little red dot, but I was still an outsider.
The funny thing is, I also feel somewhat like an outsider when I’m in Manila, my home home. Being away most of the time, I try to hold back the tears as I comment that “ang daming kong na-miss.” And I mean that in the most literal sense that I’ve missed out on a lot of pivotal moments in the lives of people I hold most dear to me – my family and my friends. Like what this NY Times op-ed says, quality time is a myth. It’s being there in the present, in the mundane, that reaps the most rewards. And I quote, “They understand, consciously or instinctively, that sustained proximity is the best route to the soul of someone; that unscripted gestures at unexpected junctures yield sweeter rewards than scripted ones”.
This leads me to my newly-decided life-check slogan – para que?! For what?! Why don’t I just return to Manila then if I’m being too sentimental about not physically being in other people’s lives? Because of the opportunities abroad. Then why complain about Singapore? Because I know it’s not for me forever-wise. I respect the difference in culture but there are some aspects of it that I am really apprehensive about. Then why are you still there? Because I know Singapore is where I should be right now. And to answer that all important para que? For growth. For improvement. For betterment.
And no, I am not blaming anyone for my feeling of not being completely at home. I know this is all on me. Life is a matter of perspective, after all.
So with one foot on each homes, I find myself trying to keep my balance. Because as strange as it may sound, I’m trying to build a solid foundation for myself within me. I want to be self-sufficient and whole enough to feel complete and comfortable wherever part of the world I am. I want to feel at home in my own skin. I want to be able to look at Manila or Singapore or New York (hopefully, hehe) and be at peace with my relationships and self-worth.
