THE BEST OF ME

Here’s a confession, I sometimes wonder if this is it. Or accurately, what if that was it. Was that it?! I look back on the previous years, see my huge ass smile in Timehop (or Facebook memories) and worry that I’ve already lived the best years of my life. Nothing wrong with cherishing the past, it’s just that the idea that the best has come and gone doesn’t really give you anything to look forward to. It just leaves you in a state of yearning for the time you had long since left. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an optimist through and through. In the words of John Mayer, I’d like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve. But sometimes there are moments I worry about the possibility that I’ve lost the fearlessness that made the glorified past, well, the glorified past.

Back in December 2015, I received an email from 2010 me (yep, that girl exactly!) saying that: “I hope you remain spontaneous and laidback and optimistic and a big life lover.” Not the greatest sentence structure, but a good reminder nonetheless. I have to stop my what if’s from paralyzing me to inaction. What if I’m making a big mistake? What if this turns out to be the worst idea ever? What if this is already “it” and I’m letting it go? Instead of focusing on the risks, I only need to shift my gaze slightly to that alternative – what if this is the correct one? The possible gains far outweigh the possible losses. Fear is a conditioned response that can be overwritten. I need to trust my decisions, and that can only come from knowing myself better – my strengths, weaknesses, and where I want to go.

Sure, I have faith that everything happens for a reason, but I rest safer in the knowledge that I’ve done my part too. That I’ve tried all things humanly possible to influence the situation. So when I get it, it becomes all the more sweeter. When I don’t, I have no regrets. When it’s time to let go, I can do so without guilt.

Call it blind optimism but I really believe that the best is yet to come. I say this with full certainty because the “best” has always been subjective. What’s best for me then, may not be the best for the person I will become tomorrow. Maybe this reluctance I have recently been shrouded in is guiding me to process information better. Or maybe, this reluctance serves as a reminder that life is a conscious choice. It doesn’t just happen. I mean it does happen, but not entirely. We have control of ourselves, if not the full situation.

Ollie said it best, the person we were then probably wouldn’t survive the present’s Lian Yu (purgatory). We have to undergo growing pains to come out stronger and wiser. But we also have to know which battles are worth it. No point fighting for something you don’t believe in.

I think that’s where the life lover (oh god, Reg, couldn’t you think of a better term?! hahah) comes in. Recognizing that you only have one life and you have to make it count. To everyday strive to live the dream and be the best possible version of me.

So, GAME. Let’s do this. In the words of the most quoted song lyric in this blog: there’s no where you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.