Whenever I’m in Manila, one of the commonly asked questions is when I’ll fly out. Normally, it’s explicitly versed as “kailan ka babalik ng<\/i> Singapore?” or “when are you going back to Singapore?” but when it’s phrased as “uuwi ka na?<\/i>” or “are you going home?” I have to pause and ask the all important clarifier – where?<\/b><\/p>\n
You see, in my 3+ years of living in Singapore, I have also built a life here. 3+ years is a long time to have no commitments whatsoever in another land. I have a contracted mobile phone plan and I also come home<\/i> to my rented room (which I recently added a fluffy white cloud into<\/a>). My dad’s friend, a local Singaporean, was even surprised that I’ve been to most of the places he showed us on a drive around central Singapore. On that said drive, my dad asked if there was also Uber in Singapore, and being the happy Uber customer that I am (use my code: gr6hc<\/b>), I proudly said that, “yes, we have Uber here!” to which my dad’s friend commented on my use of the term “we<\/i>“. It then hit me, that yes, I may have carved myself a small home in the little red dot, but I was still an outsider.<\/p>\n The funny thing is, I also feel somewhat like an outsider when I’m in Manila, my home <\/i>home. Being away most of the time, I try to hold back the tears as I comment that “ang daming kong na-miss.”<\/i> And I mean that in the most literal sense that I’ve missed out on a lot of pivotal moments in the lives of people I hold most dear to me – my family and my friends. Like what this NY Times op-ed<\/a> says, quality time is a myth. It’s being there in the present, in the mundane, that reaps the most rewards. And I quote, “They understand, consciously or instinctively, that sustained proximity is the best route to the soul of someone; that unscripted gestures at unexpected junctures yield sweeter rewards than scripted ones”.<\/p>\n This leads me to my newly-decided life-check slogan – para que?!<\/i> For what?! Why don’t I just return to Manila then if I’m being too sentimental about not physically being in other people’s lives? Because of the opportunities abroad. Then why complain about Singapore? Because I know it’s not for me forever-wise. I respect the difference in culture but there are some aspects of it that I am really apprehensive about. Then why are you still there? Because I know Singapore is where I should be right now. And to answer that all important para que?<\/i> For growth. For improvement. For betterment.<\/p>\n And no, I am not blaming anyone for my feeling of not being completely at home. I know this is all on me. Life is a matter of perspective, after all.<\/p>\n So with one foot on each homes, I find myself trying to keep my balance. Because as strange as it may sound, I’m trying to build a solid foundation for myself within me.<\/u><\/i> I want to be self-sufficient and whole enough to feel complete and comfortable wherever part of the world I am. I want to feel at home in my own skin. I want to be able to look at Manila or Singapore or New York (hopefully, hehe) and be at peace with my relationships and self-worth.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n