IT’S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH OF QUARANTINE. Almost a month of not being able to go out, meet up with friends and family. A month of anxiety and fear and worry. A month of always telling my mom I love her. Like everyone, I have a hundred and one things to do once quarantine is over and we can go back to “normal” . But yeah, I’ve long been disillusioned that we’re going back to what was. Hopefully though, this leads us along the path of what should be and should’ve been.
As thrilled as I am about pollution levels plummeting and the world “healing” – I am still bummed about letting go of the conveniences I once enjoyed. Don’t feel bad if you do too! But if you look beyond the disadvantages it brought, this period is a reminder to mankind that there is a better way. It may not be exactly what we’re going through per se, but maybe we can find a comfortable middle where both the planet and society wins. Coz it’s insensitive to say that these are just “inconveniences” when this period has brought pains of hunger, financial instability, disease, and even death to our population.
Fortuitously enough, it also coincided with our Holy Week. I guess if we didn’t have the time then to reflect during this period (coz it’s a long weekend and we are mostly traveling – traveling!! I miss this!), we have nothing but time to do so now. Not that I think that our God is cruel and wanted to play a joke on us because honestly, I have no idea what’s going through God’s decision process and I wouldn’t dare assume because He’s God and my human understanding is limited. But I hold on to what I know about my God – He loves us and wants what’s best for us. I go back to one of my favorite Proverb: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” Lean not on your own understanding.
This is indeed a very humbling time as we also continue to fight an unseen enemy that can easily bring us to the hospital. We can only do so much (but we have to keep doing these, ok?!!) and yet we can’t know with 100% certainty that we are safe. You thought you’re in control?! HA. Terrible for anxious people. Luckily, I have friends who help keep anxiety at bay. They remind me that there are still some things I can control (like how often I wash my hands, leave my place, scroll through news, etc) and it’s only those that I could do something about. The rest I have to let go.
This period has really been conducive to introspection. Everyday I learn or rediscover something about myself that I can use to make myself better. I realized that deciding paralyzes me at times coz I worry too much that what if there was a better decision. And to be fair, sometimes the better decision will only present itself in hindsight but it’s still something I tend to beat myself up over. I was reminded of how enthusiasm drives me best but it’s unrealistic for me to always be excited about something and that’s where self-discipline comes in.
As much as we are asked to stay home, reflection has not been limited to the confines of my four walls. This period has afforded me a wider perspective, being given so much views and information from different sources. Perhaps these views are presented to us on a day to day basis, but having this quiet time to stay still allows you to focus on the information given. As you are able to identify what really matters, you realize how blessed you are. On the other hand, you also realize how there is so much room for improvement – for yourself, for your country, for the world. And in the middle of these, you realize that you can help.
My friends and I came up with SHIELD, an initiative to address the shortage of medical protective equipment in the country. As taxing as it is to add another layer of responsibility (we are all still very much working our day jobs), it has given me a sense of purpose which is surprisingly effective in keeping anxieties and worries brought about by the pandemic at bay.
Not only that, aside from those in SHIELD, I am extremely proud of the friends I have. They say you bring nothing when you complain and voice out your concerns about the government, but let me be the first to tell you it’s not true. My friends have inspired me by standing up for their beliefs (in a respectful manner!) and having so much passion for these issues. It gives me assurance that there is hope that things can get better because people still care. They haven’t given up on the potential of the country and the possibilities that are in store for us. As with everything in life, not all are binary. Just because you laud a decision of the government doesn’t make you blind to the wrongs they have done, and just because there are some things you don’t agree with doesn’t mean it erases all the good they have done or that you are wishing for them to fail. At least it shouldn’t be. Our allegiance after all is to this country, not to the people who run/ran it. You can be non-Dilawan or non-DDS, you can be a regular, unbiased Filipino with the welfare of the Philippines at his heart.
A week into quarantine I wrote that “IT’S BEEN A WEEK OF QUARANTINE AND MY ANXIETY HAS HIT THE ROOF. I have so much worries – what if people I love succumb to COVID? What if this goes on for a really long time and society falls and chaos ensues? What if food runs out? What if we exhaust all our doctors? What about businesses? What about the company’s payroll? What if I bring COVID to my mom? What about finances? How will the country survive? How will the world survive? CAN WE JUST ALREADY WAKE UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?!?!” I still more or less carry the same worries but I also carry with me now the two things I wish to carry to the new normal when this is all over – stillness and hope.
xx