WHEN MY EX-BOYFRIEND TOLD ME HE WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE, I felt the wind knocked out off me. I felt I was punched in the chest and I was literally gasping for air. I knew it was inevitable and yet then and there, I felt utter panic. It took me some time (and some glasses of Sauvignon Blanc) to accept that I had still been holding on to the idea that we could still end up together. That I will not end up alone because this really great guy will be there.
And that’s the thing that absolutely plagues me about being single this time around – the fear that I made a mistake in wanting more (out of life and out of love) and that I was already dealt the best hand this life can offer and I chose to fold. I have nothing but praises for my ex-boyfriend who was only 1 of 2 people (my mom being the other one, hehe) that I felt loved and accepted me completely – flaws, disgusting habits and all. There were no pretences and I was able to be 100% me during our time together – even up to the end when I chose myself and my dreams before us. I rationalize that surely, if *this* was *THE* great love, then one of us would’ve gladly chosen to bend, right? I keep thinking back to this survey during Multiply days where one of the questions was “Will you ever move for love?” and I responded somewhere along the lines of, “yes if it was for the right person. But if it was Paris, the person wouldn’t matter” haha. It wasn’t just our geographical incompatibility, we couldn’t see eye to eye on another matter that would continually be brought up from time to time. He wasn’t meant to be my person the same way I wasn’t meant to be his but I will forever be thankful for him for teaching me that I can be loved deeply – imperfections and all.
I’m sure that down the line, we will both find our great loves. Sure it sucks for me at the moment, but the romantic in me still hopelessly believes that there is someone out there for me who can reciprocate the kind of love I want to give and receive. And how would I find something great if I’m too scared to let go of something good? In the words of my overplayed post-break up song since ’07 – sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
And about moving on? A line from the novel After You addresses that – “Moving on doesn’t mean you loved my dad any less, you know.“ It’s a crazy beautiful thing, loving someone. Sometimes it hurts but it is always wonderful amazing. In the words of P. Sawyer, “Yes, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s desire? That’s all you can hope for. This year I wished for love… to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn’t give it back for the world.“
So cheers to love. You will be okay. You ARE okay. Trust the process. You don’t need to be perfect to receive love. You are enough. There is so much love overflowing in this world. I might not have a love life at the moment, but my life has so much love. It’s a crazy wonderful feeling, feeling your heart is FULL even without a particular someone. I am not alone, and frankly, I never was. I am so grateful for my family and friends and everyone I have been blessed to meet! And like what my SE batch shepherd said, if you need a restart, go back to the source of love. So, BREATHE. Let it go and outstretch your arms. Fill your lungs with air and let hope and love course through your body. Pass it on and see what you get back. 🙂