TODAY, I AM ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE SAD. I will loosen the tight grip I’ve held on my heart and let the pieces come undone. I will admit that all along I’ve feigned ignorance on the cracks, pretending that if I squeezed the pieces tight enough, it will be whole again. Today, I will allow my heart to fall apart. I will refrain reason from automatically jumping in to keep it together. I will save logic and my million and one rationalisations for another day.
More than hearts and minds, however, pride will unfortunately always win as the strongest motivator. Not emotions, not reason, pride. Today, however, I am pushing pride to the backseat. I will accept that this hurts more than I let on and I will acknowledge that pain instead of assuming a super enlightened zen persona of divine calm and wisdom that is way above the pain of loss. I will admit that this hurts (even write about it) even if my high self-regard says it should be otherwise.
Today, I will allow your words (or lack thereof) to hurt me. Not because it hasn’t, but because I’ve refused to feel it for the longest time. With my pride already swallowed, I’ll replay everything in my head. I will let the memories (both good and bad) pierce, then twist my insides before ultimately going for that fatal thrust. Because more than anything, what I miss is us. I will grieve my loss, not downplaying the emptiness your void has created and I will cry more than I thought I would. Today, I will be honest with myself. I will not brush off the slightest discomfort and face all of these head on.
Today, I will indulge myself by creating a Sam Smith playlist that perfectly describes our relationship (or rather our break up, hoho) and I will sing along and feel every word. Today, I will watch One More Chance and be pretty sure I will not end up proudly tweeting “j’ai regarde one more chance and je ne sais pas triste” like I did back in 2007.
As much as I hate it, today, I will not just be Team Basha, I will be freakin’ Basha. Today, I will read old posts (this and this) and wonder how the hell that girl was so certain. I will question my decision, maintain that my decision was right, but also mourn the collateral damage of that said right decision. And with tears on my cheeks, I’d recite that iconic “ako, ako yung problema” dialogue with her and feel as if those words were my own.
Today, I will be as sad as I (‘ve been refusing to accept that I) actually am. I will let the sadness out instead of keeping it all in and then being surprised to find tears escape uncontrollably at the slightest trigger later on.
Tomorrow, I may or may not be as sad and I may or may not repeat the same steps. But I am certain, that a tomorrow will come when I will no longer feel the need to be sad. Not because I’m pretending (been there, done that), or because my pride has won again. Not even because I’m tired wallowing or because rationalisations and my overly optimistic disposition will kick in, but because one day I will no longer be sad. Not sure when that will be but I’m very certain that it will be. Coz no matter how broken my heart is feeling, my faith, on the other hand, is still in tact. Like the oldest sticky note on my laptop says: Trust that everything is happening according to His will and timing. (Even if it sucks at the moment).
xx