SOMETHING ABOUT JULY has got me feeling that anything and everything can happen. Beginning the second half of the year is like a somewhat clean slate, a midpoint that may or may not drastically change the course of the year. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. After all, I remember 15 years ago when I dubbed July as the worst month and it turned out being so. Maybe claiming it to be the start of more great things will make it so, coz maybe I’m just done with the first half of 2018.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a pretty cool year (still is, methinks). I’ve traveled more than I wished I would, swam more than I thought I could, drank more than I knew I should. I’ve strengthened friendships and met amazing new people, I’ve celebrated a fair share of wins at work, I’ve rediscovered my relationship with God, and I no longer feel the need to flee the country, no make that, the city that I am in.
So far, so good, right?
Well, I’ve also made mistakes and failed to meet expectations more times than I would’ve wanted, and at one time even consciously choosing to set myself up for a bad fall. I’ve seen myself lonely, disheartened, embarrassed, anxious, worried, afraid and disappointed more than I would let anyone on. And I know it’s okay to feel those things and even be those things, it’s just that my mind doesn’t want to accept that it was ME feeling and being those things because of my very deep and very messed up desire to be perfect.
But I’m done.
At least, I want to be done. I’ve wallowed long enough. I’ve beaten myself long enough and I’ve held on to my worries long enough. By pretending all was dandy and not dealing with these negative emotions at hand, I’ve actually held on to it much longer. I don’t want that anymore. I won’t pretend a darker side doesn’t exist, I’ll acknowledge it but I’ll move on.
I guess that’s what I like about midpoints – the movement. You know there’s a past, but you also know there’s a future. You’re grounded by what was but at the same time, the what will be beckons. So, bring it on 2018! In the words of the classic JBJ song: we’ll give it a shot, whoooaa, we’re halfway there.