ANYONE ELSE END 2018 ON SUCH A HIGH only to have the first week of 2019 thrust you to rockbottom? 2019 (so far) had me exclaiming in disbelief/shock/exasperation, “anong nangyari?!!!“ far too many times in a short amount of time. I thought I was finally(!) in that elusive “good place” when November/December rolled out.. but then come January, I was in this weird/messy/ultimate-test-of-patience position. I was blindsided in one aspect, a nagging fear came to be in another, and that small little thing in 2018 blew over. Those, and the realisation that it wasn’t just the end of 2018 that was a high, it was pretty much a high from beginning to end, and if that’s any indication, the next 11.5 months aren’t really looking that good.
But then it struck me in one of my morning drives – maybe I’m not supposed to just be in one place. That I’m living life in the so-called “middle” (you and your big mouth, Reg), and that life is a journey and we are constantly moving. That being in the same place for too long means getting stuck and no longer growing. That maybe I should change my mindset, welcome this page and look around instead of staring at the closed door and holding on to what was.
For one thing, this side of the wheel brought me face to face with a flaw I wouldn’t have realized if I was still basking in that so-called good place. The first few days of January were very humbling for my ego. But you know what, the view from the bottom gave me greater resolve to push for what I want.
It made me realize how much I really wanted some things and that it’s okay to want and I don’t have to downplay it. It’s just that I have always attached shame in not getting something I wanted, more so if people know that I want something and I didn’t get it. My pride wouldn’t have people judging me or feeling sorry for me. And that shouldn’t be the case. Because a) Spotlight Effect at its finest – I doubt anybody would really want to waste time and energy to do so, and more importantly, b) Wanting something and actually getting something are related but they do not mean the same thing. So, if you don’t get it, it means you didn’t want it? And if you want something, it automatically means that you’ll get it? It doesn’t always follow. But it’s best to be vocal because cliche as it is, if you never ask, the answer will always be no.
This not very helpful mindset was so deeply ingrained that it even extends to my prayer life. I didn’t want to be judged by God for not getting what I want because not getting what I want is a blow to my self-worth so I’d rather not ask. Messed up mindset, I told you this was a flaw. It’s okay to ask God in detail what I want. If God says no, eh di no. It is ultimately God’s will and among all the no’s I’ll get in this lifetime, His is what will 100% benefit me. But His no (or His “wait lang girl, relax, I know what I’m doing”) doesn’t mean my wants are less legitimate, and doesn’t warrant me to deny that I want something and not even try.
But you know what’s my greatest learning thus far this year? The endorphins hype is real. Elle Woods was right, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands (or people in general, lol) They just don’t.” So I’m back to working out so I don’t shoot anyone, haha Seriously though, I find myself generally in a better mood – much calmer and not that easily affected by the chaos in my environment. PLUS, I get to lose the holiday weight. 🙂
So there it is. To answer my own question – 2019 happened. It’s still happening. And if you, like me, had a rough start, don’t fret. As what I’ve learned from 2018, the complex middle, with all its momentous highs and tumultuous lows, is the best place to be. Even if it sucks at the moment. So, hang on. Marami pang mangyayari. A lot will still happen. And we can still make a lot happen. Don’t be afraid to want and ask and go for it.
I look forward to what this year has in store. We all love a good underdog story, and I have a real good feeling about this one.
x