Category: Musings

HERE AND NOW

I FEEL LIKE I OWE IT TO MYSELF to write something, to post something that will somehow neutralise the negativity of the last post. Not that there’s anything wrong with having down days. Guys, we seriously need to stop projecting that everything is fine and dandy all days of our lives. YES, I SAID IT. Those who say that they don’t have down days are lying. Or aren’t living. OH SNAP.🙊 Anyway, before I say more things that may or may not be deemed offensive, let me turn the spotlight on my sometimes crappy, but generally great life.

Up until my trip, June has seen me having more bad days than good days. I use the word “bad” loosely because I know compared to most, I’ve still been pretty blessed. My frustrations were at an all time high and I’ve been feeling so helpless on how to better my situation. As an optimist, you experience this 10x worse because it only means you’ve exhausted all options and have rationalised your mouth dry. You wallow a bit and wait for your sunshine+positivity reserves to kick in so you can again bask under the belief that everything will be alright. 

Everything will be alright.

But to whose standards? Sometimes we internalise all demands, even if they contradict each other. Even if it leaves us empty because we’ve allowed external forces to override our innermost desires. When they do, just remember this – at the end of the day, you will be left with only yourself. You are responsible for your happiness. You can, in a sense, control the world because everything is just a matter of mindset. All this lies on you. So (wo)man up and go after what you want. Just remember that the consequences, they’re all on you too. But don’t let that paralyse you; sometimes the so-called wrong move is better than no move at all.

So here’s to taking reins of the here and now and to grabbing (or even CREATING!) opportunities. Everything will be alright.

x

More Than I Can Tell

♬
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they’ve got planned
♬

It’s 1pm on a Sunday, and here I am panicking that my “life” is ending. Technically, my life isn’t ending, but I have been so consumed with work lately that I feel like I haven’t been actually living. Weekends are supposed to be mine, to be lived fully, but I look at the clock and I’m reminded that I only have half a day left (of which I still have to squeeze in time to update EDI, but who am I to complain since a) I brought it upon myself and b) it’s only a one time thing) and I still haven’t done anything that is for me and me alone. So quick solution? Write something. Leave a mark and exert my me-ness to the world.

It’s sad how “real life” for me is contained in only 2 out of 7 days a week. I know that’s how being an adult goes – responsibilities and whatnot. But part of me is still itching for something more. Something that will breathe life even into the hustle and the mundane. The commute alone drains me even before the actual work day, and I feel like a zombie – commute – work – commute – sleep – repeat. And I know I shouldn’t complain coz I have it much better than other people. I am thankful. Really, I am. But my heart is also restless and antsy and I want to give way to my hopes and dreams even if I am told to just be content where I am.

I guess that’s one of the reasons I love being away from Manila. I no longer have to limit myself to other people’s expectations of me. I can be me. And although one might argue that “you can still be you in Manila, Reg“, it’s not that simple. “You’re overthinking, you should just speak up and voice these things out“, but the moment you do, you’re classified as ungrateful, crazy, or both.

I am sorting out the next steps for the rest of my life. It hasn’t been as peachy as I’d hoped – it’s quite pricey too! – but I am determined as ever to take reins and direct its course. Because life is already happening as we speak. It’s what we make of our time here that defines it. The weekend might be ending, but my best possible life is just beginning.

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